Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 4: “My Partner Doesn’t Listen to Me.” But Have You Really Talked to Each Other Openly and Honestly?
Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 4: “My Partner Doesn’t Listen to Me.” But Have You Really Talked to Each Other Openly and Honestly?
One thing I hear quite often in counselling is:
“My husband doesn't listen to me.”
“He does not even care about me.”
“He does not protect me from his family.”
“He cheats…”
And from men, I hear:
“My wife doesn't understand me.”
“She is troublesome.”
“Stubborn.”
“No empathy.”
“Disrespectful…”
Ba ta jin magana. (in Hausa)
Wun de tosaya. (in Nupe)
You see, women complain.
Men complain too.
Sometimes, both people are actually unhappy, but each person is so focused on how badly the other person is treating them that neither stops to ask, “What are we both doing wrong?”
Most times, both parties believe they are right and blame the other without reflecting on themselves.
From what I have seen as a counsellor, sometimes the problem is not that there is no love. The problem is that both people are speaking, but neither is really listening.
A wife can say, “My husband doesn't care about me.”
But when you ask what she really wants, she may simply want more attention, appreciation for her efforts, more help at home, to be seen, more affection, support, faithfulness and loyalty, or for her husband to listen without immediately dismissing her feelings.
Just the basics, which seem obvious, but somehow, he's not getting it.
The husband, on the other hand, may say, “My wife is never satisfied. Nothing I do is enough.”
And most times, he is also carrying his own frustrations that he hasn't been able to express properly to her.
Many men wish their wives would simply give them that emotional support instead of berating them. Or even comparing them to others and using their very sharp tongue to finish them, without knowing the depth of the damage it has caused.
So, many times, some men don't feel comfortable going to their wives when they are facing challenges because she has not really given them that comfort they can use as a cushion in life.
This is where things can become interesting.
I have also heard men say things like:
“Hajiya, I need a new wife. Help me find a good wife.”
But sometimes I want to ask:
What makes you think the next woman will automatically be happy with you?
The wife at home may also be saying to someone:
“I wish I had a husband who understood me.”
In fact, recently, I saw a post where practically all the women were expressing regrets about their husbands, and it left me wondering, “God, what is happening to us?”
I see marriages of barely one year ending.
I see marriages of over 20 years still struggling.
So, I think the problem is not always that we married the wrong person.
Sometimes, we have two unhappy people who have not learnt how to communicate with each other effectively.
Of course, this does not mean every problem is the fault of both partners. There are situations where one person is genuinely neglecting, hurting, or refusing to listen to the other.
But in many relationships, there is a middle ground.
Before deciding that your spouse is the entire problem, ask yourself:
“Have I really listened to my partner?”
“Have I clearly told them what I need?”
“Am I willing to look at my own part too?”
“Am I genuinely playing my role accordingly?”
“Am I being fair?”
Marriage is an action word.
A verb.
Something we do every day of our lives, whether our partner sees us or not.
So, it is not about finding someone who will never disappoint you.
It is about two imperfect people learning how to understand each other, communicate better, and make the marriage work—intentionally, every day.
And sometimes, you don't need another argument.
You need someone to help both of you finally have the conversation you've been avoiding.
Need someone to talk to?
If you're experiencing challenges in your relationship or marriage, you don't have to face them alone. Support is available.
Hajara Mustapha
Founder, Deep Healing Counselling Solutions
Relationship Coach & Marriage Educator
📞 +234 706 491 3193
🌐 deephealingcounselling.org
Until next week, remember: Healthy relationships don't happen by chance; they are built by choice.
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