Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 3: Five Conversations Every Couple Should Have Before Saying “I Do”
Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 3: Five Conversations Every Couple Should Have Before Saying “I Do”
There is something so beautiful about preparing for marriage. The excitement of planning a future together, discussing where you will live, meeting families, and imagining what life will look like as husband and wife can be thrilling and unforgettable.
But somewhere between the wedding preparations, buying stuff, choosing outfits, meeting relatives, and making arrangements for the big day, there are some much more important conversations that couples need to have.
Conversations that may not be as exciting, but could save you from painful surprises later.
Marriage is more than a wedding. It is a lifelong union, a partnership, and before saying “I do,” couples need to understand not only how much they love each other, but also how to sustain their love and how they intend to build a life together.
From what I have seen as a counsellor, these are some vital conversations every couple should have before getting married.
1. What does marriage mean to each of us?
It may sound like an obvious question, but couples can have very different ideas about what marriage should look like.
One person may expect a very traditional marriage, while the other may have a more modern idea of partnership. One may expect the wife to handle most household responsibilities, while the other may expect responsibilities to be shared differently.
Talk about these expectations before marriage, not after disappointment sets in.
What does respect look like to each of you? This is much deeper than most people think. What are your expectations of a husband and a wife? How do you expect decisions to be made in the home?
You may not agree on everything, but you need to know where those differences are. These are real conversations that should not be shoved aside simply because they feel uncomfortable.
2. How will we handle money and family responsibilities?
Even though our religion has already provided guidance on financial responsibilities, money still remains one of the major sources of marital conflict.
So, money is one of the areas that can create serious tension in marriage.
Will your wife work or beca full stay home wife? If yes, who will handle which expenses? Will you have a joint account, separate accounts, or a combination of both? How will you save? What happens when one person earns more than the other?
And, particularly in our society, there is another important question: How much financial responsibility do we expect to have towards our parents, siblings, and extended family? I know why I am saying this.
Supporting family can be a beautiful responsibility, but couples need to discuss it openly so that one person's family obligations do not become a source of resentment for the other.
These conversations may feel uncomfortable, but avoiding them doesn't make the issues disappear.
3. How will we handle disagreements?
You will disagree. That is normal.
The important question is not whether you will have conflict, but how you will handle it when it comes.
Will you shout? Withdraw? Give each other the silent treatment? Involve your parents or relatives immediately? Or will you first try to sit down, communicate respectfully, and find a solution together?
Pay attention to how your partner handles disagreement during courtship. Conflict often reveals things that affection can hide.
And remember, seeking advice from trusted elders can sometimes be helpful, but not every disagreement between husband and wife needs to become a family matter.
4. What role will our families play in our marriage?
In our culture, marriage often connects not just two people, but two families.
Parents and relatives can provide love, guidance, and support, and that can be a beautiful thing. But couples also need to understand where healthy boundaries should exist.
How involved will your families be in your decisions? What happens when your spouse disagrees with your parents? How will you respond if relatives begin to interfere in matters that should remain between the two of you?
These conversations are especially important because respecting your in-laws should not mean losing your voice as a couple.
5. What are our expectations about children, parenting, and our future?
For many couples in our society, having children is an important part of marriage. But even when both people want children, there are still important conversations to have.
How many children do you hope to have? When do you want to start having them? What happens if pregnancy does not happen as quickly as expected?
And perhaps even more importantly, how do you want to raise your children?
These conversations can become particularly important when husband and wife come from different family backgrounds and were raised with different expectations.
The goal of these conversations isn't to discover whether you agree on everything.
You probably may not.
The goal is to discover where you agree, where you differ, and whether you can respectfully work through those differences together.
Sometimes, the most important conversation you can have before marriage is not simply, “Do you love me?”
It is, “How do we intend to build this life together?”
And if you discover areas where you are struggling to agree, don't be afraid to seek guidance. Premarital counselling is not an indication that your relationship is failing. Sometimes, it is simply a wise way of preparing for the journey ahead.
A beautiful wedding can last a day. A healthy marriage is built over a lifetime.
Need someone to talk to?
If you're preparing for marriage or experiencing challenges in your relationship, you don't have to face them alone. Support is available.
Hajara Mustapha
Founder, Deep Healing Counselling Solutions
Relationship Coach & Marriage Educator
📞 +234 706 491 3193
🌐 deephealingcounselling.org
Until next week, remember: Healthy relationships don't happen by chance; they are built by choice.
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