Heart to Heart with Hajara Series 10: Together, We Can Build Healthy Marriages
Heart to Heart with Hajara Series 10: Together, We Can Build Healthy Marriages
Are You Only Focused on Yourself When It Comes to Bedroom Matters in Your Marriage?
Recently, I came across a conversation where a woman was talking about how very unhappy and frustrated she was with her husband when it came to intimacy.
She said his performance was a total zero, despite keeping herself for 24 years before marriage, hoping that when she eventually got married, she would finally get to enjoy everything legally.
She said, “You even carry pregnancy for nine months, all from zero performance, without orgasm.”
You carry the pregnancy. You nurse your baby, knowing fully well that you did not even get to cloud nine.
She was deeply bitter and angry.
But in all of this, she wasn't simply complaining that she wasn't satisfied.
What stood out to me was that she also said she had tried talking to him about it repeatedly, but he refused to change.
And as I read through the comments, I realised she was not alone.
Many women were saying similar things.
Some described feeling that their husbands cared only about their own satisfaction. Others said they had tried to explain what they needed, what they liked, what they didn't like, and what was missing for them, but their husbands simply didn't seem interested in listening.
One woman even said she was no longer afraid of leaving the marriage if things continued this way.
And honestly, I have known a few people who eventually left their marriages over issues around intimacy.
That made me pause.
In fact, that conversation inspired me to write this article.
I like to talk about real, practical problems that people experience in marriage—not just the things we like to discuss when everything is going well.
So let me ask you a difficult question, but I need you to honestly ponder over your answer:
In the bedroom, is it only about you and yourself?
You see, marriage is not supposed to be about one person's needs while the other person simply manages with unfulfilled needs and is left hanging.
Sexual intimacy is part of marriage, and both husband and wife have feelings, needs, desires, boundaries and expectations.
Your spouse's experience matters too.
If your wife tells you, “I don't feel satisfied,” do you listen?
If she says, “I don't feel wanted,” do you try to understand what she means?
If she tells you, “There are things I wish we could do differently,” can you have that conversation without becoming angry or defensive?
And husbands, this isn't only about you, so please don't feel attacked.
Wives, the same questions apply to you.
If your husband tells you that something is missing in your intimate life, do you listen?
Do you care about his experience?
Are you willing to talk about what both of you need, rather than assuming that because you are married, everything should automatically work?
Because intimacy is not a performance where one person finishes and the other person's experience doesn't matter.
It is something two people share.
It is supposed to be a beautiful experience that brings you closer as a couple.
And sometimes, people don't realise how much damage can happen when one spouse repeatedly says, “Something is wrong,” and the other keeps dismissing it.
At first, the person may keep talking.
Then they may become frustrated.
Then they may stop asking.
Then they may stop expecting anything.
And eventually, they may become emotionally disconnected.
That is when you may hear someone say:
“I have told him so many times. I have given up.”
And by that point, the problem may no longer be only about sex.
It may be about feeling unheard, unwanted, rejected or unimportant to the person you married.
But is it always selfishness?
Before we start calling our spouse selfish, we should also pause and ask what may actually be happening.
Sometimes, what looks like a bedroom problem could be connected to something outside the bedroom.
It could be stress, exhaustion, lifestyle, medication, health issues, emotional disconnection, unresolved resentment, differences in desire, or other factors affecting intimacy.
And sometimes, it may simply be that two people have never learned how to openly communicate about what they need from each other.
So if something is not working in your intimate life, don't simply ignore it.
Talk about it.
Look honestly at what may be contributing to the problem.
Is it stress? Exhaustion? Lifestyle? Health? Medication? Emotional disconnection? Resentment? Differences in desire?
There are things couples can work on themselves—better communication, healthier habits, exercise, adequate rest, paying attention to their health and making time for each other.
And if there is a medical or psychological issue affecting your sexual relationship, seek appropriate professional help.
You don't have to be ashamed to say, “Something isn't working, and I want us to work on it.”
And please, when I say seek help, I don't mean all these “man power” products being sold everywhere.
I mean real professional help—from a doctor, qualified therapist, sex therapist or other appropriate professional, depending on what the problem actually is.
So many women have told me how they have been rejected by their husbands time and time again, without any tangible explanation.
Please, don't ignore this.
If there is a genuine difficulty, your spouse deserves to know that you care enough to acknowledge it and work on it together.
Marriage is also responsibility.
And don't forget that for many of us, marriage is also part of our faith.
How we treat our spouse is part of our worship.
It is an act of ibadah.
The way we speak to them.
The way we care for them.
The way we show affection.
The way we consider their needs.
The way we protect their dignity.
The way we make an effort to understand them.
We will be rewarded for the good we do within our marriage, and we will also be accountable for our actions.
So these things matter a lot.
Marriage is not only about what you are entitled to receive.
It is also about the responsibility to care for the person you married.
Please don't take your spouse for granted.
Don't assume they will always endure simply because they are bound by marriage.
That can be cruel.
Don't assume that because they are married to you, they have nowhere else to go.
And don't wait until they are emotionally exhausted before you decide their concerns are worth taking seriously.
Please, don't wait until your spouse gives up.
Sometimes, when people talk about infidelity, they focus only on the person who went outside the marriage.
And rightly so, because dissatisfaction does not make cheating inevitable or justified.
Cheating is a choice.
But we also need to be honest enough to talk about what can make a marriage vulnerable to outside attention.
When someone repeatedly feels neglected, unheard, rejected or disconnected from their spouse, and another person comes along offering attention, affection and validation, the marriage can become vulnerable.
That does not make the outside relationship right.
It simply means that problems inside a marriage should not be ignored until someone else starts filling the emotional or physical space that the couple stopped paying attention to.
So please, address the problem while it is still a problem between the two of you.
Don't wait until it becomes a third person's opportunity.
And then, we have to talk.
Before we start calling our spouse selfish, we should ask:
Have we actually had an honest conversation about what is happening?
And when our spouse speaks, do we listen to understand, or do we listen only to defend ourselves?
Sometimes a husband hears:
“I'm not happy with our sex life.”
And immediately thinks:
“So you are saying I'm not good enough?”
A wife hears:
“I need more from you.”
And immediately thinks:
“After everything I do in this house, this is what you are complaining about?”
And suddenly, instead of having a conversation, both people are defending themselves.
Nobody is listening anymore.
But perhaps the real question isn't:
“Who is at fault?”
Perhaps it is:
“What can we do differently so that both of us can feel loved, desired, respected and fulfilled in this marriage?”
Your spouse should not have to keep dropping hints for years before you take their concerns seriously.
Talk.
Tell your spouse what you need.
Ask what they need.
Be willing to listen.
Be willing to learn.
Be willing to make adjustments.
And if the two of you cannot have this conversation without fighting, shutting down, blaming or becoming embarrassed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking professional help.
Sometimes, couples wait until resentment has become so deep that they are already thinking about leaving before they finally seek help.
Why wait that long?
And if you are reading this as a husband, ask yourself honestly:
Does my wife feel heard and cared for when it comes to intimacy?
And if you are reading this as a wife:
Does my husband feel heard and cared for too?
Because marriage is not supposed to be about:
“What can I get?”
It is also about:
“How can I love my spouse well?”
So, before you become defensive about this conversation, perhaps ask yourself one simple question:
If my spouse could tell me exactly how they feel about our intimate life without fear of judgment, what would they say?
And more importantly:
Would I be willing to listen?
Until next week, remember: Healthy relationships don't happen by chance; they are built by choice.
If you need help with your marriage or relationship, don't hesitate to get it.
If you need clarity, emotional support, or simply a confidential space to unburden yourself, we are here for you.
Hajara Mustapha
Founder, Deep Healing Counselling Solutions
Relationship Coach & Marriage Educator
📞 +234 706 491 3193
🌐 "deephealingcounselling.org" (https://reference-url-citation.invalid/0)
Share this with someone you care about.
Together, we can build healthier marriages.
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