Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 12: Together, we can build healthier marriages
Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 12: Together, we can build healthier marriages
You Want Your Spouse to Change, but Are You Also Ready to Change?
"Most women complain, Hajiya, my husband is very difficult. He doesn't listen to me, he doesn't appreciate me, and he never admits when he is wrong, infact, that man is a narcissist.”
Now imagine her husband sitting across from you, saying:
“Hajiya, nothing I do is ever enough for my wife. She complains about everything, and somehow, I am always the problem.”
Two people. Two different stories. Two people convinced that the other person is the problem.
And honestly, this is something we see in many marriages.
You want your husband to listen more, appreciate you, and become more affectionate. You want your wife to respect you, appreciate your efforts, and stop criticising you.
Your expectations may be reasonable. But let me ask you something:
While you are busy identifying everything your spouse needs to change, have you taken an honest look at yourself?
What Is It Like Being Married to You?
You want your spouse to be patient with you when you make mistakes. But how do you react when they make theirs?
You want to be forgiven when you are wrong. But can you sincerely apologise when you hurt your partner?
You want your spouse to listen to you, but what happens when they express an opinion you disagree with?
Sometimes, we demand respect but speak disrespectfully. We want appreciation but rarely acknowledge our spouse's efforts. We expect our partners to make adjustments while giving ourselves reasons why we cannot change.
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, “What is it like being married to me?”
It may not be a comfortable question, but it is worth asking.
But What If My Spouse Really Is the Problem?
This is a fair question. Sometimes, one partner genuinely refuses to take responsibility, and the other has been trying for years.
Let me be clear: examining yourself does not mean accepting blame for everything that goes wrong in your marriage. You cannot control your spouse's choices, and you are not responsible for their abusive behaviour.
However, you can examine your own responses, communicate your concerns, establish healthy boundaries, and seek appropriate help.
The goal is not to blame yourself. It is to recognise what is within your control.
Are You Both Waiting for Each Other to Change First?
The husband says, “When she starts respecting me, I will become more affectionate.”
The wife says, “When he starts showing me love, I will become more respectful.”
He is waiting for her. She is waiting for him. And both remain unhappy.
Sometimes, someone has to be willing to start a different conversation—not because everything is their fault, but because the current pattern is not working.
Instead of saying, “You never appreciate me,” try saying, “I have been feeling unappreciated lately, and I would like us to talk about it.”
Instead of becoming defensive when your spouse expresses hurt, try listening to understand.
Of course, one person cannot sustain a healthy marriage alone. Both partners must eventually be willing to participate in making things better.
You Can Be a Good Person and Still Need to Grow as a Spouse
You may love your partner deeply and still have habits that hurt them.
You may have good intentions but struggle to communicate. You may be a responsible husband or wife and still need to learn how to listen, resolve disagreements, or express affection.
Being a good person does not mean you have nothing to learn as a spouse.
This is one reason marriage counselling can be helpful. It gives couples an opportunity to understand recurring problems and learn healthier ways of relating to each other.
You don't have to wait until your marriage is falling apart before seeking help.
Before You Complain About Your Spouse Again, Pause and Reflect.
Ask yourself:
- Am I giving my spouse the respect and consideration I expect from them?
- Can my spouse tell me the truth without being afraid of my reaction?
- Do I acknowledge my mistakes and apologise when necessary?
- Am I willing to make changes, or do I believe my spouse is the only one who needs to improve?
And here is perhaps the most important question:
If your spouse described what it feels like to be married to you, what might they say?
Dear husbands and wives, your spouse may have areas that need improvement. So may you.
The goal is not to prove who is more wrong. It is to build a marriage where both people can acknowledge their mistakes, make necessary adjustments, and continue learning how to love each other well.
If you have been struggling with the same problems for years, consider seeking professional marriage counselling rather than continuing to repeat the same arguments.
You cannot force your spouse to change, but you can choose to examine yourself and take responsibility for your part.
And before you forward this article to your spouse and tell them to read it carefully, I have one final question:
Have you read it with yourself in mind, too?
Because healthy marriages are not built by two people who believe they are always right. They are built by two people who are willing to learn and grow together.
Hajara Mustapha
Founder, Deep Healing Counselling Solutions
Relationship Coach & Marriage Educator
📞 +234 706 491 3193
🌐 deephealingcounselling.org
“Until next week, remember: Healthy relationships don't happen by chance; they are built by choice.”
Share this with someone you care about.
Together, we can build healthier marriages.
Comments
Post a Comment