Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 11: Together, we can build healthier marriages
Do You Threaten Divorce Every Time You Are Angry?
"Leave my house, I'm tired of this marriage. I want a divorce.”
“You know what? Let's just end this.”
Or pack your things and leave.
Or even locking your wife out of the house.
Sometimes, these words come out during an argument. You are angry, hurt, frustrated, or disappointed, and before you know it, the word divorce has entered the conversation.
But let me ask you something:
Do you really mean it?
Or have you simply become used to using divorce as a way of expressing how angry you are?
I have heard people say things like, “Hajiya, anytime we have an argument, my husband tells me to go.”
Another person says, “Whenever she is angry, she says she is leaving me.”
And sometimes, after the argument is over, both of them calm down and continue with life as if nothing happened.
Until the next argument.
Then the word comes back again.
“I will divorce you.”
“I'm leaving.”
“I don't want this marriage anymore.”
But please, let's think about what repeated threats like these can do to a marriage.
Divorce should not become a weapon
When you repeatedly threaten divorce during disagreements, you may think you are simply expressing your anger.
But to your spouse, those words may sound like:
“Our marriage is not safe.”
“At any moment, my spouse may leave me.”
“Maybe I am no longer wanted here.”
Over time, your spouse may stop feeling secure enough to open up to you.
They may become afraid of disagreements because every disagreement feels like it could lead to the end of the marriage.
And something else can happen.
After hearing “I will divorce you” too many times, your spouse may eventually become emotionally numb to it.
The words that were once frightening may eventually stop carrying meaning.
And that is dangerous too.
Because one day, when you say it again, they may simply say:
“Okay.”
And you may suddenly realize that the person you expected to keep begging you to stay has become tired.
Are you trying to solve the problem, or win the argument?
This is something couples need to honestly ask themselves.
When you threaten divorce, what are you hoping will happen?
Do you want your spouse to change?
Do you want them to understand how deeply hurt you are?
Do you want them to take you seriously?
Do you want them to apologise?
If that is what you want, then say that.
“This behaviour is hurting me.”
“I am becoming exhausted by this situation.”
“I don't know how much longer I can continue like this.”
“We need to seriously work on this marriage.”
Those statements communicate pain without turning the marriage itself into a weapon.
Not every marital problem means the marriage has to end
Of course, there are situations where separation or divorce may genuinely need to be considered.
I am not saying that people should remain in marriages where there is abuse, serious danger, or situations that require a different kind of intervention.
But sometimes, couples are threatening divorce over problems that could potentially be addressed if both people were willing to sit down, communicate honestly, take responsibility and make changes.
Maybe the problem is communication.
Maybe it is finances.
Maybe it is interference from extended family.
Maybe there is resentment that has been building for years.
Maybe intimacy has become a problem.
Maybe one person feels neglected, disrespected or unappreciated.
Maybe both of you have simply stopped knowing how to resolve disagreements without hurting each other.
Must every one of these problems end with, “Then let's divorce”?
Or could you sometimes say:
“We are not handling this well. We need help.”
Why not try marriage counselling?
This is something I wish more couples would consider before the marriage gets to the point of complete emotional exhaustion.
You don't have to wait until one person has packed a bag.
You don't have to wait until there has been an affair.
You don't have to wait until you can no longer stand being in the same room.
You don't have to wait until both of you are already thinking about divorce.
Sometimes, you simply need someone qualified and neutral to help both of you understand what is happening.
Marriage counselling is not only for couples whose marriages are about to collapse.
Sometimes, it is simply for couples who are saying:
“We love each other, but we don't know how to stop hurting each other.”
And there is absolutely nothing shameful about asking for help.
Please be careful with the words you use when you are angry
When you are angry, you may say something you don't mean.
But your spouse may remember it long after you have forgotten it.
You may say, “I don't need you.”
You may say, “I regret marrying you.”
You may say, “I'm going to divorce you.”
You may even say, “Go and find someone else.”
Then, a few hours later, you have calmed down.
But what about your spouse?
What happened inside them while you were saying those things?
Marriage requires us to learn how to express anger without destroying the sense of safety between us.
You can be angry.
You can disagree.
You can tell your spouse that you are deeply hurt.
You can even say, “I am seriously unhappy with the way this marriage is going.”
But before you throw the word divorce into the conversation, ask yourself:
“Am I prepared for what these words may do to my marriage?”
Sometimes, what the marriage needs is not another threat. It is help.
If you have been having the same arguments over and over again, and nothing is changing, perhaps it is time to stop asking:
“Who is right?”
And start asking:
“How do we fix this?”
If you cannot talk without shouting, blaming, insulting, threatening or walking away, perhaps you need help learning how to communicate differently.
If you keep hurting each other but still want the marriage to work, perhaps you need help.
If you are constantly saying “I will leave” but deep down you don't actually want to lose your spouse, perhaps it is time to stop threatening and start talking.
And if you genuinely believe the marriage should end, then that is a serious decision that should not be used as a casual threat during every disagreement.
So, let me ask you...
When you and your spouse have a serious disagreement, what usually happens?
Do you threaten divorce?
Do you tell your spouse to pack their things?
Do you involve your family immediately?
Do you give each other the silent treatment?
Or do you eventually sit down and try to understand what is actually wrong?
And perhaps the bigger question is:
If you don't really want your marriage to end, why keep using divorce as a threat?
Maybe the next time you are tempted to say, “I will leave you,” try saying:
“I am hurt. I am angry. I don't know how we are going to solve this, but I don't want us to keep hurting each other. Can we get help?”
Sometimes, that one sentence can open a completely different conversation.
Because not every marriage problem needs another threat.
Sometimes, it needs two people who are willing to stop fighting against each other and start fighting for the marriage.
Hajara Mustapha
Founder, Deep Healing Counselling Solutions
Relationship Coach & Marriage Educator
📞 +234 706 491 3193
🌐 "deephealingcounselling.org" (https://reference-url-citation.invalid/0)
“Until next week, remember: Healthy relationships don't happen by chance; they are built by choice.”
Share this with someone you care about.
Together, we can build healthier marriages.
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