Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 5: Together, We Can Build Healthy Marriages
Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 5: Together, We Can Build Healthy Marriages
Are You Still Married, or Are You Just Living Together?
Have you ever looked at your marriage and quietly asked yourself:
“When did we become like this?”
Or:
“How did things get to this?”
Because you live in the same house.
You sleep in the same room.
You eat together, take care of the children, pay bills and attend family functions together.
But somehow, something is missing.
Because you don't really talk anymore.
And when you do talk, it is mostly about the children, money, food, work or just something that needs to be done.
You no longer ask, “How was your day?”
You no longer tell each other what is going on in your lives.
You may even be going through difficult things and prefer to tell your friends, siblings or someone else rather than your own spouse.
From what I have seen as a counsellor, this happens in more marriages than we like to admit.
And the scary part is that sometimes, there is no big fight.
No cheating.
No serious, dramatic argument.
The couple has simply become emotionally distant, after years of unspoken bitterness, unexpressed expectations and assumptions.
They are still married, but they are no longer really connected.
Sometimes, the wife says:
“He comes home, eats, chats on his phone as if he's married to the phone, sleeps and goes to work.
Or, he is only nice to me when he wants intimacy. What exactly am I to him?”
And the husband may say:
“She is always busy with the children. Even when I am around, she doesn't have time for me.”
Both people may feel lonely.
Both may feel neglected, assuming the other person is doing it intentionally.
And both may be waiting for the other person to make the first move.
This is where we need to be honest with ourselves.
Marriage does not stay healthy simply because nobody has left.
You can remain married for 10, 20 or even 30 years and still be emotionally disconnected from each other.
Sometimes, couples become so used to the distance that they begin to think, “This is just how marriage is.”
No.
Marriage will have seasons. There will be busy periods, financial pressure, children, work, family responsibilities and many other things competing for your attention.
But if you are no longer making any effort to connect with each other, the distance can quietly become normal.
And we should not ignore what emotional distance can create.
When there is a big gap between husband and wife, it can sometimes create a window for outside attention and temptation to enter.
Someone else begins to listen.
Someone else notices you.
Someone else makes you feel appreciated, wanted or understood.
And what started as an innocent conversation can slowly become something else.
This does not excuse infidelity. Every person is responsible for the choices they make.
But we also need to be honest about how emotional disconnection can make a marriage more vulnerable to people and situations that can threaten it.
So ask yourself:
When was the last time I genuinely enjoyed talking to my spouse?
When was the last time I asked how they were doing—not as a routine, but because I really wanted to know?
When was the last time we laughed together?
When was the last time my spouse felt safe enough to tell me what was really bothering them?
And perhaps the most uncomfortable question:
If we had no children, bills or responsibilities tying us together, would we still choose to spend time with each other?
That question may hurt.
But sometimes, the uncomfortable questions are the ones we need to ask.
And this is not about blaming the husband or the wife.
Sometimes, both people have contributed to the distance.
Maybe you stopped trying.
Maybe you stopped talking.
Maybe you became too busy.
Maybe you have been carrying hurt for so long that you no longer know how to come close again.
But the good news is that emotional distance does not always mean the marriage is finished.
Sometimes, it is a sign that something needs attention.
Don't wait until you become complete strangers living under the same roof before you ask for help.
Sometimes, the marriage doesn't need a new person. It needs two people to find their way back to each other.
If this sounds like your marriage, perhaps it is time to have an honest conversation—not another argument.
And if you don't know how to start that conversation, you don't have to figure it out alone.
Need someone to talk to?
If you're experiencing challenges in your relationship or marriage, you don't have to face them alone. Support is available.
Hajara Mustapha
Founder, Deep Healing Counselling Solutions
Relationship Coach & Marriage Educator
📞 +234 706 491 3193
🌐 deephealingcounselling.org
Until next week, remember: Healthy relationships don't happen by chance; they are built by choice.
Share this with someone you care about.
Together, we can build healthier marriages
Comments
Post a Comment