Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 6: Together, We Can Build Healthy Marriages
Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 6: Together, We Can Build Healthy Marriages
“I’m Just Managing.” Is That Really What Marriage Is All About These Days?
It's like everybody is now managing in marriage because I hear people say this quite often:
“Hajiya, I am just managing oh.”
“I am only staying because of the children.”
“At this point, I have accepted my fate.”
“He is never going to change.”
Or…
“She is never going to change.”
Both men and women are complaining.
They are still married.
They are still living together.
In some cases, they are still doing what couples do behind closed doors. They are still intimate.
While in some cases, they live like roommates.
But deep down, they are tired.
Very tired.
They are no longer trying to make the marriage better. They are simply trying to survive it.
Some even go into open marriages where each party does as they wish.
But then I ask again:
Is that what a healthy marriage is supposed to be?
Is this what people actually signed up for?
Yes, marriage requires patience.
Yes, there will be difficult times.
You will disagree. You will misunderstand each other. There will be financial pressure, children, family issues, work and many other things that can put pressure on a marriage.
But there is a difference between being patient with your spouse and silently suffering in a marriage that nobody is trying to improve.
Sometimes, we call everything “patience” because we have become used to it.
You are constantly angry.
You no longer communicate properly.
You have stopped expecting affection.
You don't feel heard.
You don't feel appreciated.
But you tell yourself:
“At least, we are still together.”
Meanwhile, your spouse may also be saying:
“I am tired too, but what can I do?”
And both of you continue like that for years.
Sometimes, the problem isn't even that the marriage cannot be fixed.
It is that both people have become so comfortable with “managing” that nobody is asking how to make things better.
And let's be honest.
Some people are not staying because they are happy.
They are staying because they are afraid.
Afraid of what people will say.
Afraid of starting again.
Afraid of disappointing their families.
Afraid of what will happen to the children.
And sometimes, afraid of admitting that the marriage they imagined is not the marriage they are living.
But staying married does not automatically mean the marriage is healthy.
You can be married and still be lonely.
You can be married and still feel completely alone.
You can sleep beside someone every night and still feel like you don't know that person anymore.
So, perhaps it is time to ask yourself some honest questions:
Am I being patient, or am I simply enduring?
Am I forgiving, or am I just storing resentment?
Am I still trying to make this marriage better?
Is my spouse also trying?
And perhaps the most important question:
If nothing changes, can I honestly live like this for another 5, 10 or 20 years?
These questions are not meant to tell you to leave your marriage.
They are meant to make you stop and look at what is really happening.
Because sometimes, a marriage needs patience.
Sometimes, it needs forgiveness.
Sometimes, it needs boundaries.
Sometimes, it needs both people to learn new ways of communicating.
And sometimes, it needs professional help.
And here is something I want you to know:
You don't always have to wait for your spouse to agree before you ask for help.
Sometimes, one person can start the process.
You may be the one who is hurting. You may be the one who is tired. Or you may simply be the one who has decided:
“I don't want us to continue like this.”
You can seek guidance on how to communicate differently, how to handle difficult situations, how to set healthy boundaries and how to respond differently to the things that have been hurting your marriage.
Your spouse may not be ready yet.
That's okay.
Sometimes, when one person starts doing things differently, it can create room for the other person to see things differently too.
It may not fix everything overnight, but one person can sometimes be the beginning of a much-needed change.
Don't wait until you completely lose yourself or completely lose your connection with your spouse before you seek help.
You don't have to hate each other before admitting that something is wrong.
Sometimes, the marriage doesn't need to end.
It needs attention.
It needs honesty.
It needs two people who are willing to stop merely managing and start intentionally working on the marriage.
Need someone to talk to?
If you're experiencing challenges in your relationship or marriage, you don't have to face them alone. Support is available.
Hajara Mustapha
Founder, Deep Healing Counselling Solutions
Relationship Coach & Marriage Educator
📞 +234 706 491 3193
🌐 deephealingcounselling.org
Until next week, remember: Healthy relationships don't happen by chance; they are built by choice.
Share this with someone you care about.
Together, we can build healthier marriages.
Comments
Post a Comment