Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 9: Together, we can build healthier marriages
Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 9: Together, we can build healthier marriages.
Are You Really Communicating, or Are You Just Talking to Each Other?
“Have you eaten?”
“Did you pick up the children
“What are we eating today?”
“Did you pay the bill?”
“What time are you coming home?”
“Please send me money.”
You talk to your spouse every day.
Sometimes, you may even talk several times a day.
But let me ask you something:
Are you really communicating, or are you just talking to each other?
Because there is a huge difference.
A couple can talk every day and still feel completely disconnected.
They can discuss the children.
They can discuss money.
They can discuss work.
They can discuss family.
They can make plans.
Sometimes, they can even sit together and watch television every night.
But they may never actually talk about themselves. About the things that really matter.
Their feelings and emotions.
Things like:
“What is bothering you?”
“How are you really doing?”
“Is there anything you need from me?”
“Are you happy with us?”
“Is there something you have been trying to tell me?”
These are very different conversations, and sadly, they are lacking in many homes because people sometimes take communication for granted.
Sometimes, I speak with couples who say:
“Hajiya, we talk all the time. I don't know what else you want me to say.”
Or one person says:
“Whenever I try talking, he dismisses it or jumps to his own conclusions. So I stopped talking.”
I have heard this across my counselling table too many times, especially from wives.
And so she keeps quiet, no matter what is eating at her.
Meanwhile, the husband thinks everything is fine simply because she has stopped talking about the things that really matter.
But when we look deeper, we see that they have been talking about everything except what is actually happening between them.
They talk about the children but not their parenting differences.
They talk about money but not the resentment that has grown around it.
They talk about intimacy but not the hurt underneath it.
They talk about family but not the boundaries they need to set.
They talk about the house but not the state of their marriage.
And sometimes, they don't even realise it.
They think because they are talking, they are communicating.
But communication is not simply speaking.
It is also being able to say what you feel, what you need, what has hurt you, what you are struggling with and what you hope can change.
And then being willing to listen when your spouse does the same.
This is where many couples struggle.
One person is talking.
The other person is already preparing a defence.
Or preparing a reply.
Or thinking about what the spouse did wrong.
So instead of listening to understand, they listen to respond.
The wife says:
“I feel like you don't spend enough time with me.”
And the husband immediately says:
“But I work hard for this family. What else do you want me to do?”
The husband says:
“I don't feel respected in this house.”
And the wife immediately responds:
“Respect? What about everything I do here?”
Now both people are defending themselves.
Nobody is hearing the actual pain underneath the words.
Sometimes, your spouse is not asking you to agree with everything they say.
They may simply want you to understand why they feel the way they do.
You can say:
“I don't see it exactly the way you do, but I understand that this hurt you.”
That is communication.
You can disagree without dismissing your spouse's feelings.
You can explain yourself without attacking.
You can tell your spouse what you need without waiting until you are already angry.
And you can listen without turning every conversation into a competition about who has suffered more.
Another problem is that many couples only communicate when there is a problem.
They don't talk when things are going well.
They don't check in with each other.
They don't ask questions.
They don't share what is happening inside them.
So by the time they finally have a conversation, there are already years of things to unpack.
But communication should not only happen during a crisis.
Talk when you are happy.
Talk when you are calm.
Talk when nothing is wrong.
Talk about your hopes.
Talk about your fears.
Talk about your expectations.
Talk about your marriage.
Talk about the things you appreciate about each other.
Talk about the things you would like to do differently.
Because sometimes, the best time to have an important conversation is before there is a problem.
And please, don't assume that because your spouse knows you, they should automatically know what you need.
Your spouse cannot always read your mind.
If you need affection, say it.
If you need more support, say it.
If something hurt you, talk about it.
If you are unhappy, don't expect your spouse to discover it through your silence, attitude or withdrawal.
And if your spouse is trying to tell you something, don't immediately dismiss it simply because you don't agree.
Listen.
Ask questions.
Try to understand.
Because sometimes, what your spouse is saying is not actually an attack.
It is an invitation to understand them better.
So ask yourself:
When was the last time I asked my spouse, “How are you really doing?”
When was the last time I listened without interrupting or defending myself?
Can my spouse tell me difficult things without being afraid of how I will react?
Do I tell my spouse what I need, or do I expect them to figure it out?
And perhaps the most important question:
If we removed the children, money, work, bills and household responsibilities from our conversations, would my spouse and I still know how to talk to each other?
Because marriage is not just about sharing a house.
It is about sharing a life.
And if you stop talking about what is happening inside that life, you can slowly become strangers while still living under the same roof.
So don't just talk to your spouse.
Communicate with them.
Listen.
Ask.
Explain.
Be honest.
And keep creating space for the two of you to know each other—not just as parents, providers or people managing a household, but as husband and wife.
Sometimes, a marriage doesn't need more conversations.
It needs better ones.
Hajara Mustapha
Founder, Deep Healing Counselling Solutions
Relationship Coach & Marriage Educator
📞 +234 706 491 3193
"deephealingcounselling.org" (https://reference-url-citation.invalid/0)
If this conversation resonates with you, remember that healthy communication is something couples can learn and practise.
Until next week, remember: Healthy relationships don't happen by chance; they are built by choice.
Share this with someone you care about.
Together, we can build healthier marriages.
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