Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 7: TOGETHER, WE CAN BUILD HEALTHY MARRIAGES
Heart to Heart with Hajara – Series 7: TOGETHER, WE CAN BUILD HEALTHY MARRIAGES
We Prepare So Much for the Wedding. But Are We Preparing People for Marriage?
Have you ever noticed how much preparation goes into a wedding?
Families start planning months ahead.
There are clothes to sew, food to arrange, guests to invite, venues to decorate, photographs to take and so many other things to put in place.
And honestly, there is nothing wrong with that.
A wedding is a beautiful occasion. It is a day families look forward to and celebrate.
But sometimes, I find myself asking:
While we are preparing so much for the wedding, are we preparing the people for the marriage?
Because the wedding is one day.
Marriage is the life that comes after that day.
And this conversation is not only for the bride and groom.
It is for all of us.
For the parents.
For the older brothers and sisters.
For the aunties and uncles.
For the guardians.
For the friends who may know the couple better than anyone else.
And, of course, for the couples themselves.
Because preparing someone for marriage should be more than teaching them how to organise a wedding or simply telling them, “Be patient. Marriage is not easy.”
Or just saying, “ kuyi hakuri da juna.”
They need more than that.
They need to understand what marriage actually requires.
Can they communicate when they are hurt?
Do they know how to disagree without destroying each other?
Have they discussed money and responsibilities?
What do they expect from each other as husband and wife?
What rights to they have over each other?
How will they handle extended family?
What are their expectations about children and parenting?
How will they make decisions?
Can they apologise when they are wrong?
Can they listen without becoming defensive?
And perhaps one of the most important questions:
Do they know how to recognise and address problems before those problems become deeply rooted?
Sometimes, we tell young people:
“You will understand when you get married.”
But must they really wait until they are married before they begin learning?
We don't wait until someone is driving on a busy road before teaching them how to drive.
We don't wait until someone starts a job before teaching them what is expected of them.
So why do we sometimes expect people to enter one of the biggest responsibilities of their lives and simply “figure it out”?
I have spoken with people who are struggling in their marriages and say:
“Hajiya, I wish I had known these things before I got married.”
And I have also spoken to couples who have been married for more than three decades, almost 40 years, yet they are still struggling with issues in their marriage.
Some even end up divorcing after 20 or more years together.
And that is one reason premarital preparation should not be taken for granted.
It is not because we expect a marriage to be perfect.
But because we know life will bring challenges, and we want people to have the understanding and skills to face those challenges together.
And this is where families can make a difference.
Sometimes, an older sibling can have the conversation that the couple is too shy to have.
A parent can ask questions beyond:
“Have you bought everything for the wedding?”
A married friend can share what they have learnt from their own experience.
And a couple can decide that loving each other is not enough — they also want to learn how to do marriage well.
Because sometimes we spend so much energy preparing for the celebration that we forget to prepare for the commitment.
The beautiful clothes will eventually be put away.
The food will be eaten.
The guests will go home.
The photographs will remain.
But then two people will wake up the next morning and begin their real marriage.
That is the part we should prepare for too.
And if you are already married, this message is not to make you feel that you failed because you didn't have premarital counselling.
Many people simply did not have access to this kind of preparation.
But we can still learn.
We can still have the conversations we never had.
We can still seek guidance.
And we can also do better for those coming after us.
So the next time there is a wedding in your family, don't only ask:
“What are we doing for the wedding?”
Let's also ask:
“What are we doing to prepare these two people for marriage?”
Because a beautiful wedding is wonderful.
But a couple that has been prepared to build a healthy marriage?
That is an investment that can last far beyond the wedding day.
Hajara Mustapha
Founder, Deep Healing Counselling Solutions
Relationship Coach & Marriage Educator
📞 +234 706 491 3193
deephealingcounselling.org
Until next week, remember: Healthy relationships don't happen by chance; they are built by choice.
Share this with someone you care about
Together, we can build healthier marriages.
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